I met my first love when I was sixteen. It was something out of a fairy tale. We were young and in love and thought it would last forever👫. From the beginning, the signs were there and I chose to ignore them and trust him. That trust caused me to lose three years of my life and end up with a baby with a man I no longer knew. I no longer knew him because our trust was gone.
At first, everything was perfect we were happy. I thought he was the most amazing man on this earth. We had plans of getting married and going to school💕💕. He was my first kiss, my first serious relationship my everything. In fact, because of how our trust is broken now I am not even sure I was his first time. He could have lied to me about that too. If only I could hook him up to a lie detector and ask him. I will never know the truth.
Although we were so happy in the beginning it all began to crack slowly. We had our first date at my school and I was so excited. We had such an amazing time😍😍. I was in a dream-like state until my best friend told me that he had told her something weird. That he wanted to sit next to her alone and not for her to go find him. I decided to trust him and told her I am sure it was just a joke or something I brushed it off. Then next came accusations of him cheating on me by random girls who claimed he was their boyfriend. When I asked, him he said they were lying I believed him. I defended him against those girls like a lion protecting what is hers. After that, the accusations stopped and for a time we were happy. I am sure you are thinking how could I trust him after that? I was so in love with him I put my blind faith and trust in him.
But again, soon the cracks began to show💔. As much as I believed him there was some doubt in me and that slight mistrust would be the end of us. He was never one to acknowledge our relationship on Facebook because he said he didn't want his family to know. Then one day on Facebook he puts in a relationship with another girl. And I start getting messages from my friends asking when did we break up. He, of course, explained it away as a dare that he did. He even told me to ask his sister about it after that we were never the same. I should have probably ended things but I believed I could make it work with him. But if only I could have told myself once the trust is broken there is no getting it back.
After that, I became this girl who was so paranoid due to mistrust. Every time a girl commented on his wall I thought that's a possible girlfriend. Every time he got a message or call I wondered if that was her. We would end up fighting because I had no proof only distrust. So, every girl in his life I flinched at. We fought more and more because I became convinced that he was cheating. Mistrust turned me into this jealous neurotic human being. I was sending warnings to his female friends and analyzing everything he did with females. It didn't help that he wouldn't give me his passwords or introduce me to his friends. But finally, I was proven right. He left himself logged into his account on my Facebook. I looked through his messages and found the elusive proof. I had never been so heartbroken in my life😢😢. He had been having a relationship with another girl and they were plenty of messages in his inbox to prove it😭. I asked him about it and of course, he denied it. I sent him the proof and he tried to make it seem like some casual thing. I sent him more proof. We have a baby together but since then our relationship has been strained. I can't trust or believe anything he tells me since that day. We never had a chance to rebuild our trust and I doubt we ever will.
This mistrust has carried into every relationship since. My love life is a disaster. To the point of me getting worried when I see a status post and a girl is involved. I have to tell myself over and over to keep calm and not have a meltdown. Or I end up having to convince myself that they are a good guy and wouldn't do that. But ultimately it never lasts I am always thinking when they are out what if they are with other girls or flirting with others behind my back.
Cheating becomes a permanent background with whoever I date because of what happened to me. I wonder if I will ever be in a relationship and not worry about these things. I also wonder if I will ever be able to trust my baby daddy. After all, we are raising a child together. I am stuck with this guy for the rest of my life and I can't even trust him to tell me the truth about simple things like what he is doing. Or whether he told me the truth. So, I have even been thinking what if I give him our daughter is schedule and he lies that he is following it. But in actuality, he is not following it because he thinks schedules are silly for babies.
I, therefore, declare myself a woman looking for love with no trust to give how crazy is that! But all the men I do think might be the next one does nothing but disappoint me. How can I trust love?😞
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